My Quest

My paternal grandfather was a pastor, my father is a church elder while on mymaternal side, I hear stories that my grandfather was a habitual church goer for sometime until he did not. Attending church is something I have been introduced to at an early age by my parents, and apparently it runs in my family. 

 

My family is largely Seventh Day Adventists and keeping the Sabbath holy and to rest on that day is an integral part of being a believer. Preparing for the Sabbath meant ironing our clothes on Friday night, having our Bibles and hymnals ready by 8 a.m. to go to church to spend around five to six hours where we would leave little bit after 1 p.m.

 

As if attending church every Saturday wasn’t enough, I attended religious affiliated schools from elementary school all the way through high school. The notion that religion was at the center of my life and in control in terms of directing what shouldor shouldn’t be my actions, is an idea that I would like to distance myself from.I remember as a child being told that every time I sinned, it was equal tocrucifying Jesus all over again and when he comes back, I’ll be going into the eternalfire. I would be lying if I said that hearing that didn’t shake me to the core at the time. AllI was being taught was to believe in God out of fear and to have a relationship that’sabsolutely based on a transactional foundation also known as “quid pro quo.” But, what kind of relationship would that be?

 

Can one imagine being in an import-export relationship with God? For believers, God is the source of everything and lacks nothing. While for human beings, theybasically own nothing. Not even the breath they take for it comes from God. The whole relationship with God is boiled down to wait on Him to provide everything that people need. With an assumption such a relationship was transactional, how would the balanceof payments look like, let’s say at the end of the month? How long will it take God totake his business elsewhere because of failure to obey the transaction agreements? I think that if a relationship between people with God was solely based on a transactional motive, God would not like what he’s getting out of it.

 

I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents as a young child, and that’swhere I’d say my journey to distance myself from religion began. I remember this onetime, me and my brother, going to church with my grandpa. Our parents had in someway “complained” that we should be attending church, but because our grandparents weren't really that religious at this point; they had reached a point where they no longer went to church. Anyway, grandpa took the initiative to take us to church for the sake ofgoing. We went to Sunday school and what I noticed blew my mind away. I was not more than six or seven years old, and it wasn’t something that was usual to me for it stayed with me up to now. 

 

We arrived at the church around 9:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m., and the ushers showed us our seats. Within a short time, they started passing around some baskets for tithes and offerings, and this was no strange tradition for the Adventists I was used to. The moments leading up to the praise and worship songs, I remember them vaguely. But, I remember seeing people dancing hysterically, shaking these small, metallic rounded cans that resemble glass jars called “pendo” which I think is a Swahili word, though not so sure, and they were speaking in tongues, jumping around as if they were being electrocuted while some were rolling themselves on the ground. I had never seen such a thing before, nor did I experience anything like it until later in my last three years of high school.

 

There is a famous inside joke with my grandparents about that day at church, where itis believed that I said, “buses should come, collect those people in the church and takethem to a mental institution for they have a mental illness.”

But, who am I to say? What do I know about how God should be worshipped andpraised? Is there a specific and standard way of worshipping God that nullifies all other ways of worship? I don’t know if there is, ever was or will be in the future.

 

There is a story in the Bible about David and his wife about praising God. The wife saw David praising His God in a “way” that she thought was “crazy” and/or“abnormal”, and thought to herself wondering what kind of king does that. A king should be respectable and act like royalty, as he was. When God saw David’s wife’s thoughts (Michal, I think was her name), God decided that she would bear no child that would replace David as king of Israel.That begs the question, what if the praise and worship of David is the real one and standard set that all believers should strive to achieve? There can’t be one way to praise God because the Bible has a lot of characters that made God happy in very many different ways of worship. Are there some that will confuse and make me question their way of worship? Absolutely!!!

 

Frederick Douglass faced the same dilemma. As a slave, Douglass always wondered the reason, the drive behind the songs sung by fellow slaves because those who had introduced the religion to them, were the ones oppressing and enslaving black people. That makes no sense. It would be like giving bread to someone who’s thirsty. Preaching the word of God, and teaching songs to people who are enslaved by you, is doing a disservice to those enslaved people no matter what the conditions they may be in.

It is an interesting juxtaposition when one comes to think about it. But, how come that most of the people who are religiously respected for their position in thechurch are the worst to come across? I have had friends who attended Catholic schools especially those led by nuns and been told the extent which nuns can go to administer punishments to students. It’s unbelievable, and sometimes it’s not that a situation is hard to comprehend, but what end results are, might make someone lose their control.

 

There is this one time, a classmate of mine fell in the bathroom and as a result couldn't sit straight or even sleep peacefully that night. The headmistress flatly refused to call her parents or an ambulance to take this girl to the hospital. This went on for a couple days until when this girl couldn’t even make a step without crying. The headmistress who claimed to be religious and spiritual, thought it best that prayers and laying on the floor would save the girl. Isn’t that some crazy thinking? What was so hard to do in that situation? Picking a phone, calling the parents and/or the hospital is an easy act of service ought to be carried out to save anyone’s life that’s in danger. This was a situation that regarded a young girl in her teenage years, not even 18 years old,and the person who was regarded as the authority masked her ill and despicable acts with a prayer.

 

I haven’t walked for that long on this God’s green Earth, but one thing I know needing a new definition is my relationship with God and reconsider that one with religion. Redefining my relationship with God I understand is a personal journey with an intention to connect my deeper soul with a Higher Being and base that on my daily and personal experiences. It would be similar to the pilgrimage to Mecca or any other experience one has to personally go through and not necessarily be told about. Even though this is a journey I’m embarking on, little do I know about where I’m headed or what's waiting for me. But isn’t that the point of it all? Despite all that, I know what I don’t want in a relationship with God based on fear and hearsay from others.

 

There’s nothing that screams disrespect and rebelliousness to my family than this. Religion is a serious and important part of the family tradition and my decision to distance myself from it, is an indirect way of giving up on the family and everything they stand for. So many times, I have been asked the reasons why I haven’t been baptized yet. 

 

My father informed me about dates when they would be baptizing people so that I could get baptized. Every time he did inform me, I didn’t do it. I can’t put all this on him, as I said earlier; I attended high school that had strong connections with religions, but never did I get baptized. There is something that doesn’t sit well with following all those requirements to be a part of a religion when in the end, some people who you look up to and go through the process disappoint in one way or the other and come up short as humans.In this attempt to distance myself from religion, I get these thoughts of maybe notattaining and reaching my goals. 

 

I believe in God and in no specific way to praise andworship. But, that would be slightly different from the normalized norms and beliefs of religion, wouldn’t it? Hence creating this vicious cycle that keeps rotating. It is right todraw some inspiration and attention to the Reformation that happened back in the1500s led by Martin Luther who wanted to break away from the Catholic Religion because of differences in beliefs among many other reasons. Catholic religion was the defining pillar for Christianity for a long time and still does to some extent, but the rise of Protestantism promised a totally new and different aspect to approach spirituality and religion. From where I stand, very few items were adjusted and Protestantism didn’t really change or redefine spirituality by the looks of it.

 

Distance from religion may sound like I’m saying, “I don’t want to do anything with Religion,” but that’s not what I mean. As the Reformation and different revolutions have shown overtime; it is not a matter of rejecting everything but a disagreement over some aspect and points of view that calls for change in how we deal and handle the matter. What seems like a black and white situation sometimes needs a grey area for a better view. On a personal note, I can’t fully distance myself from religion and disagree with everything they stand for because they offer some food to the soul and belief in a higher power. But, I’m afraid of getting stuck in the vicious circle of religion, which I don’t want. The kind of vicious cycle that pulls me in and before I know it, I’ve reached a point of no return.

 

Religion, I believe should be all about a relation with the person and God alone,but never some big, unified way set by a group of people over agreed standards andshared beliefs. I can’t define God and religion better to anyone, not to even to myself.And if I can’t, how am I supposed to believe someone else who tells me about his/herGod? That is hard to believe, in all honesty. And the notion there is a specified wayin which to honor one’s higher power should be ignored and overlooked for we don't have any way or means to check that out.